Perfect Ten: Players You’re Likely To Meet In MMO Hell

We’ve all encountered people in-game that leave a nasty taste in our mouths for a long time afterwards. With all the goodness of social gaming comes seedy underbelly, and for every star soul you connect with, there’s another one lurking to destroy your day. If MMO heaven is full of support guilds and grammatically correct chat channels, then think of MMO hell as a pick-up party going horribly wrong as you run a dungeon that never ends, a dungeon that you can never leave.

While we would never willingly go into MMO hell, it was inevitable that some of its denizens escaped to walk among us in our games even today. Who are these infamous demons? Hit the jump to find out!

The know-it-all

This player doesn’t just play his class; to hear him speak, he practically invented this. If you’re ever unlucky enough to be caught in his orbit, he’ll be happy to give you a 30-point lecture on all the wondrous, unbelievable, and almost orgasmic delights of his particular calling, walking you through every skill. , constructs and abilities of said class. You begin to suspect that he feels like the studio actually consulted with him, perhaps on a subconscious level, when designing the class. If the developers didn’t, well, they should have.

The llama drama

Are you familiar with this Reader’s Digest series called “Real Life Drama?” Alternatively, you can achieve the same effect by befriending our very own MMO Drama Llama. This charming person generates a kind of heartbreaking tragedy on a daily basis and desperately wants to tell you about it. You don’t know how many horrors could happen to a single individual without a sadistic reality TV show staging it, so you posit that this individual may be exaggerating a tiny bit to elicit sympathy. In the end, it becomes so mentally draining to know this person that you try to avoid them at all costs.

The talkative

“So, how’s everyone doing?” Great! I’m fine, thank you. I just logged in… huh, I got some mail! Let me open it and read it to you. Oh, I just reached level 35.4! Isn’t that great? Does anyone else like combat in this game? It’s so much fun. OMG, I just died! Well, I guess I’ll have to tell you about this Facebook conversation I had while running to my dead body. I have four hundred pieces of gold; it’s a lot ? How much does everyone have? I wonder what I should spend it on. I really, really need to save up for my mount, but everything at the Auction House looks so good LOL! Oh fuck, I’m dead again…”

The drill sergeant

Listen, you maggots! The drill sergeant may not be an actual Navy office in real life, but he does a passable impersonation in-game. You have one chance and only one chance to be in a party with him. His time is too precious and his patience far too limited to allow himself the slightest miss on his watch! What, you’re not using the right skill rotation? Get out of here, sir! Dying is too good for you!

the vampire

Vampires go out of their way to emphasize their gender out loud and often, not for mere informational purposes in case a census taker wanders around, but rather because they hope to exercise their flirtatious behavior for free in-game stuff. This is a case where sexuality is used not as a subtle teaser but as a bludgeon to exploit feeble-minded individuals, and it annoys the living devil of all who see through their charade.

The hater of the game

Since everyone in your MMO is playing the exact same MMO, you’d think those you meet would generally be happy with the game. You’d think wrong. Apparently some people don’t choose which games they play because every once in a while you come across someone who acts like they’re there only because their family is being held hostage by the game studio. This person hates, to the core, this particular MMO, and he’s not shy about telling everyone why it stinks, why the studio is dedicated to sinking it into the ground, and why you’re such a fool for it. to play. Irony and hypocrisy have no place in the life of anyone who hates gambling, so don’t even think about pointing out these discrepancies.

the curmudgeon

Everyone makes jokes that bomb on delivery, but only the curmudgeon can make it happen 100% of the time. Games are serious business, people and humor should be left to comedians and children! Levity kills more bands than syphilis and the LOLcats combined, don’t you know? He always tells everyone to “grow up” and “clear my lawn, motherfuckers!” Like a comedy black hole, the curmudgeon sucks the fun and joy out of instance racing, leaving nothing but methodical purpose behind.

potty mouth

While we like to fool ourselves into believing that people as a whole generally become more tolerant and respectful of each other, this is usually disproved after 10 minutes in any online game. MMOs are riddled with homie mouths who like to make pointed remarks and impassioned insults either to get a response or just to spread a little hate. It’s also disconcerting when someone you’ve known for a while suddenly drops a racial epithet in the middle of a conversation and catches you off guard. There’s never a bar of soap handy when you need it.

The gold seller

I don’t know what annoys me more about gold sellers: the fact that they spam my chat window and instant messages with their misspelled advertisements, or the fact that the gold they sell comes from often from hacked accounts. In MMO hell, everyone tries to sell you gold, but you quickly find out that the currency of hell is lollipops. The Gold Seller is the embodiment of a Faustian deal whereby each person who fills her pockets makes her that much more unstoppable.

the power tripper

He was an ordinary man with an ordinary MMO account…until the day he became the guild master or raid leader. Brimming with newfound authority, he lifted his keyboard into the air and shouted “I GOT THE POWAHHH!” Maybe the powertripper has little control over his own life, or maybe he just likes to make anyone who can’t escape his breath miserable. Either way, the powertripper is quick to hit, slow to cheer, and absolutely impervious to criticism. You know, like MMO bloggers. Zing!

Perfect Ten: Players You’re Likely To Meet In MMO Hell