We are attracted to narcissists: why does it happen?

It is often said that the narcissist is like a vampire capable of sucking up all that is good in the other. He deceives, manipulates, humiliates … Why don’t we know how to recognize them? Even more … Why are we so drawn to it? Find out by reading on.

We are attracted to narcissists: why does it happen?

Last update: November 07, 2022

Why are we attracted to narcissists? They are perverse – usually say those who have known them – self-esteem vampires, identity thieves, born abusers… However, we fall into their nets, and sometimes, not one, not two. Because, following the popular saying, it is common to trip over the same stone several times, with the same type of harmful person.

We would like to have a long range detector so that we can avoid them as soon as possible. Also, it would be great if each of us had a QR code on their skin which would make it easier for us to decide if the other person is trustworthy or not. However, human relationships don’t work that way and it’s never easy to know if that person we’re attracted to now will make us suffer in the future.

Paul-Claude Racamier, a well-known French psychoanalyst, spent his entire life analyzing the figure of what he called the perverse narcissist. In his opinion, something that this type of personality so common in our society seeks is to destroy the image of the other (be it a partner, colleague or friend) to strengthen their own. Eliminate self-esteem others to strengthen their own.

Why is it so difficult to recognize them when they arrive? Why is it so easy to fall in love with them?

Why are we attracted to narcissists?

While it is true that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not common, Narcissistic Personality is. That is, we are faced with a psychological reality that falls within a spectrum. There are those who have a more pathological (and dangerous) profile while others show a more subtle, but in the long run also harmful, behavior.

If we ask ourselves why they are like this or why it seems that in recent years they have colonized almost every social sphere, the answer is not simple. Some point out that they are the by-product of our current modernity. Too selfish, too focused on self-gratification, on that desire to be the center of attention. Now, one of the more consensual explanations places an emphasis on education.

Educationsuch as the one carried out at Princeton University, for example, tell us about those parents who educate without rules, laying the foundations of a harmful self-esteem that feeds only on the admiration of others.

Educate a self-esteem without empathy – ignorant or indifferent to the needs of the other – to sprout perverse narcissism, that boy or girl who only adores himself. Now, we understand the theory, perhaps we understand the reason for the rise of this personality. However, if we focus on ourselves, we keep asking the same question … why do we fall in love with narcissists? Let’s analyze the main points.

Even if they are not aware of it, some are predisposed

There are some personality profiles that will be increasingly attracted to narcissists. For example, easygoing men and women are the almost perfect combination for a narcissist. Even if yes, that bond is doomed to absolute suffering. There easygoing person feels good in making the other happy, helpful by giving the couple what they need.

But beware, narcissism wants everything and keeps everything to itself. In the end, the complacent comes out drained, humiliated and without resources. Likewise, even very empathetic people can be attracted to this harmful profile.

Narcissists are adept at understanding the emotions of others and if there is something a narcissist often hides, it is a mix of frustration and suffering. Beyond what we may think, these people are unhappy and tend to be depressed and destructive. The empath perceives that inner world and also wishes to be his savior, but unfortunately the one who ends up most damaged is himself.

They are adept at being desirable and know how to fascinate us

If we ask ourselves why we fall in love with narcissists, the answer lies in their subtle psychological capacity. They know what to say at all times, they know which points to touch to attract us, to attract our attention. They are kind, confident, purposeful and even brilliant. They rarely go unnoticed and are able to show virtues they don’t really have.

You’ll think they’re nice when their kindness it is purely instrumental. They will make you think that you are their center of the world, when in reality they just want you to be that satellite revolving around them.

The predisposition (the cause of why we are attracted to narcissists more than once)

Sometimes happens. We ended a relationship with a narcissist and after a while, without really knowing how, we stumbled upon the same stone. While it surprises us, it is not something isolated. It is quite common to chain harmful relationships with various people with clearly narcissistic traits. Why does this happen?

One of the theories that explain this is predisposition. Some people are attracted to certain personality traits (confidence, charm, leadership, etc.). Somehow, when they find a person with this profile, they think that “This time it can go well, it is worth trying again”.

We are attracted to narcissists because they know how to be the mirror of others

One of the reasons we are attracted to narcissists is because in the early stages they know how to be our mirror. They practice the skilful art of mimicry: if you suffer, they too suffer. If you have a passion, they have it too. If you are worried about something, they will worry a lot more and make you believe that you are right.

During that first stage of courtship, they are exquisite chameleons, minds prepared to make you believe they are yours twin soul. However, gradually that mirror will darken to reveal the true face. It will be then that they will begin to denigrate everything you say, what you hear, what you appreciate ..

To conclude, there is only one last important thing to say: we shouldn’t blame ourselves for falling into a narcissist’s net. It happens every day and will continue to happen. The last thing we need is to feed the guilt to further damage our self-concept. Let’s avoid it, it’s not worth it. The most important thing after going through an experience of this caliber is to work on your self-esteem.

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We are attracted to narcissists: why does it happen?