Why are we attracted to narcissists?

It is often said that the narcissist is like a vampire capable of devouring everything good that is in the other. They fake, manipulate, humiliate… Why don’t we see them coming? Even more… Why are we so attracted to them? We analyze it.

Why are we attracted to narcissists?

Last update: 04 November, 2022

They are perverse, vampires of self-esteem, identity thieves, born abusers… However, we fall into their nets and, sometimes, not once, not twice… Because, following the popular saying, it is common to stumble several times with the same stone, with the same kind of harmful person.

We would love to have a long range detector so we can avoid them as soon as possible.. Furthermore, it would be great if each of us had a QR code on our skin that would make it easier for us to decide if the other person is trustworthy or not. However, human relationships do not work like that and it is never easy to know if that someone we are attracted to now is going to make us suffer in the future.

Paul-Claude Racamier, a well-known French psychoanalyst, spent his entire life analyzing the figure of what he called the perverse narcissist. According to him, something that this element so common in our society seeks is to destroy the image of the other (be it a partner, a co-worker or a friend) to reinforce theirs.

Why is it so hard for us to see them coming? Why is it so easy to be attracted to them?

The narcissist annihilates the partner’s self-esteem to reinforce his own.

attraction to narcissists

Although it is true that the narcissistic personality disorder it is not common, the narcissistic personality is. That is, we are facing a psychological reality that falls within a spectrum. There are those who present a more pathological (and dangerous) profile, while others show a more subtle behavior, but in the long run it is also harmful.

If we ask ourselves why they are like this or why it seems that in recent years they have colonized almost any social setting, the answer is not simple. Some point out that they are the by-product of our current modernity. Too selfish, too focused on self-gratification, on that desire to have the center of attention. Now, one of the most consensual explanations puts the focus on upbringing, on education.

A study from Princeton University talks about those parents who educate without limits, laying the pillars of a harmful self-esteem that only feeds on the admiration of others. educate a self esteem without empathy – ignorant or indifferent to the needs of the other – to germinate perverse narcissism, to that boy or that girl who only worships himself.

Now, we understand the theory, we perhaps understand the reason for the rise of this personality. However, if we focus on ourselves, we still ask ourselves the same question: why are narcissists so attractive? Let’s analyze the keys.

Although you do not know it, you are predisposed

There are certain personality profiles that will always be more attracted to narcissists. For example, compliant men and women are the almost perfect match for a narcissist. Although that link is doomed to absolute suffering. The accommodating he feels good making the other happy and useful by giving him what he needs.

But be careful, narcissism wants everything and keeps everything. In the end, the complacent is left exhausted, humiliated and without resources. Likewise, also very empathetic people can be attracted to this harmful profile. They are skilled at understanding the emotions of others and if there is something that a narcissist often hides, it is the frustration and the suffering.

Beyond what we can think, these people are unhappy and tend to be depressed and destructive. The empath perceives that internal world and also longs to be its savior, but the one who ends up the most damaged is himself.

They are skilled at being desirable and they know how to captivate you

If we wonder why we fall in love with narcissists, the answer lies in their subtle psychological ability. They know what to say at all timesThey know what key to touch to attract you, to get your attention. They are kind, sure of themselves, decisive and even brilliant. They rarely go unnoticed and are able to show virtues that they do not really have.

You’ll think they’re nice, when their amiability it is purely instrumental. They’ll make you think you’re their center of the world, when In reality, they just want you to be that satellite that revolves around them.


Sometimes it happens. We ended a relationship with a narcissist and after a while, without really knowing how, we stumbled over the same stone. Although it surprises us, it is not something isolated. It is quite common to chain harmful relationships with various people with clearly narcissistic traits. Why happens?

One of the theories that explain it is predisposition. Some people are attracted to certain personality traits (confidence, charm, leadership, etc.). Somehow, when they find a person with this profile they think that “This time it can go well, it’s worth trying again.”

Narcissists are very mimetic and chameleons.

They know how to be your mirror

In the early stages they know how to be your mirror. They practice the skillful art of mimicry: if you suffer, they suffer. If you have a passion, they have it too. If you are worried about something, they will worry much more and make you believe that you are right.

During that first phase of courtship, they are exquisite chameleons, minds prepared to make you believe that they are your soulmate. However, little by little, that mirror will dim to reveal the true face. It will be then when they begin to denigrate everything you say, what you feel, what you value…

To conclude, there is only one important thing to note. We should not blame ourselves for having fallen into the net of a narcissist. It happens every day and it will continue to happen. The last thing we need is to feed guilt to further damage our self-concept.

Let’s avoid it, it’s not worth it. The most decisive thing after having had an experience of this caliber is to strengthen self-esteem.

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Why are we attracted to narcissists?